sorry for the delay but this is going to be a long post. i'm still struggling with where to start so i'm just going to start and we can figure it out later.
i suppose that the very first thing i really had to figure out was that i came to the understanding that my life with all that i had was not complete. that was really hard for me. i knew something was wrong but i never really got much further than that. i was really suffering though. there was a time in mu life when i woke up crying every day. i had just started my studio i had someone in my life that loved me i even had a puppy so there were some clues that things were definitely not allright. i have certainly come a long way since then but it wasn't without effort.
i had to forget everything i thought i knew. i still love that saying because it is so true. i have a friend here who is scary intelligent, i mean a photographic memory and everything but at the same time he is constantly frustrated and really has no idea of serenity. of course he denies it (wouldn't we all), but man he never shows it. he always always know why the things that happen to him happen to him. we all believe our own bullshit but he takes it to extremes. the point is that when we think we know something we are generally closed to other possibilities. this can really be an exercise in humility but it's true that you can't really explore other options when in the deepest place of you you think you know better.
forgetting everything you think you know is really difficult for intelligent people. only an intelligent person can be an egomaniac with an insecurity problem may be the process can be better described as letting your believe system become less ridged and more fluid. when we know how the world is, we really only know our perspective of the world and our perspective is small, it's formed by our conditioning how we view and react to events in our lives.
i did come to a place in my life where i needed a good reformatting and maybe an upgrade to my operating system. i went down kicking and scratching. i don't know why letting go of my ideas of the world, core beliefs, all of it had to go. i was told that it would be easy to relearn the stuff that actually served me. and they were right
you know that that is what many of us have to do, reformat our understanding of ourselves. we have to find the capacity to be truely honest with ourselves and ask ourselves the difficult questions. are we happy with our reactions to the things around us. do we have habits we don't like. are you content, are you happy.
do you think that we were created to be miserable? are we supposed to have dreams that we couldn't reach? no we were designed to be happy. i don't know any body that would have children knowing that their lives would be miserable. our creator our the source of our being wouldn't do it either. i really think that somewhere along the line most of us forgot how. that's the thing about knowledge, if you don't know you simply don't know. in my life my mother was young and simply didn't have the knowledge or experience to pass on to me. i had to learn it a different way but it all started with forgetting what i thought i knew. knowing i came to the understanding that my life with all that i had was not complete.
hindsight can really be a humbling experience at least it was for me but hey the crying stopped.
bye for now
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